Angeelika on tubli

Pissis täna kodus potti :) Joonistab paberile sotapotat. Võtab ise sokke ja suuse ja platüsid ära.täna isa juures viis kühvli õigele kohale ja prügi prügikasti :) ja ta sööb hästi ja on juurde võtnud. ma pean hakkam juurde kilos võtma et teda varsti tõsta :) ja taa teeb osasid asju päris hästi järgi.

Angel opens doors-Ingel avab uksi

Unbelievable, but God has opened because of Angeelika's existance or because of something else another door. Im on vacation, but i changed some days for workdays, so i can take Angeelika to Tartu for hearingcheck up next week. One man who has been my colleague since i have been there, when i started in night shift 4 years ago. I can talk to him quite normally, about anything, but today( ie now yesterday) he suprised me from totaaly new angle. Usually we talk about work-related stuff and also about what our kids are doing. He has daughter too( around Angeelika's age) and he is married( their wedding date was 09.09.09 btw :) to one woman who also worked in our firm. He also into photography and i have chatted about several other topics. Even aboud religion before when i was away from Community, but then it was about Islam and its fanatical acts of its followers( some of them liks murder of Theo Van Gogh in Amsterdam)
But i have not mentioned to anyone about Baha'i until yesterday. AND then it happened after when he was alone in restroom and calculated whats needs too be done, he is nightshift doughmaker and i came to restroom to eat at the end of end day Chat that consisted of work, photography, birds, rats, beavers near Jaansoni track( im doing sport now, cycling and occasionally run there btw) and in the river, about family situation and about Angeelika reached unexpected to the saying thaat he knows something that could help Angeelika, but he wouldn't like that anybody know about it at work. What it was is Forum abot Angels :) http://puhastus.planet.ee/ He said that he was sceptical about in beginning, but some things that were mystically inclined puzzled him. talk continued later on Aura pictures and family of Gunnar Aarma and his two sons (he was Journalist who interviewed, practiced form of Yoga, was later into Masonry and published books on various suchwise topics) but before he asked me to investigate this forum, said that i can write about my problems there, and see what do i think about it. about such matters. that he talks then further
I smiled inside. Imagine, two men met who hadnt talked in the work place about their spiritual side. :) and two secrets. :)
And then i told him that this area is familiar to me, that i have faith background, i mentioned about Baha'i and then went briedly on explaining about that its Islamic roots of the first believers, that it came out in Iran, that religion is progressive, that all major world religions came one source, that they are in core sharing same essence only some social laws and teachings change and that Faith is universal. I think its good for the start, he didnt ask about it more, but ive got the feeling that this angel theme allows to continue it later, if he said that we can talk further :) since it seems that there is something beyond there.
Unbelievable, but Angeelika has gotten her name sooooo rightly :))))))))))))))))))))))))
I mean think about it if there wouldnt be Angeelika and if there wouldnt have been common themes like trees bittten by beavers next to Jaansoni track, the door wouldnt have opened that way. and i was already thinking do i really one day leave this workplace without telling about one side in me? and i thought wasnt possible became possible, unbelievable. and i have such feeling that i walk on air after that. Im not perfect, but seems that everything is possible :)

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Uskumatu, aga Jumal avas Angeelika olemasolu tõttu või muul põhjusel veel ühe ukse. Mul on muidu puhkus aga ma tegin vahetust, et saada järgmine nädal kaks päeva vabaks, et Angeelikat kuulmisuuringule viia Tartusse. Mul on üks töökaaslane, yks mees keda ma tean ka algusest, st siis kui ma läkin sinna öö vahetusse tööle 4 a tagasi. Temaga saab suht normaalselt rääkida, kõigest, aga täna ta üllatas mind hoopis uuest valgusest. Me tavaliselt räägime tööst ja sekka mis lapsed teevad. Tal on ka tütar ja ta on abielus ühe naisega kes ka siin töötas( nende kuupäev oli muide 9 september 2009 :) Tal on lisaks hobiks fotograafia. ja ma olen nii mitmest muust asjast rääkinud. Ma olen isegi varem uskudest rääkinud siis kui ma olin ära kogudusest, aga ma rääkisin siis pigem Islamist ja selle tänapäeva järgijate fanaatilistest tegudest a la Theo Van Gogh'i mõrv Amsterdamis.
Aga ma ei olnud mitte kellelgi maininud sõna Baha'i, kuni eilse päevani. Ja see juhtus pärast kui ta oli üksi ja arvutas palju mida teha tuleb, ta teeb tainast, ma tulin puhkeruumi päeava lõpus sööma. Tööjutust, fotograafiast,lindudest, rottidest, kobrastest Jaansoni raja ääres( ma teen muide pistasa sporti, sõidan rattaga ja jooksen pisut) ja jões ja perest ning Angeelikast koosnev jutt jõudis ootamatult selleni et ta ta teab midagi millest võib Angeelikat aidata, aga ta ei ei tahtnud et keegi teada tööl teada saaks.
ja selgus et see on inglifoorum :) http://puhastus.planet.ee/ Ta ütles et ta oli olnud skeptiline algul aga osad müstikasse kalduvad asjad hämmastasid teda. jutt läks pärast aurapiltideni, Gunnar Aarmast ja tema poegadest rääkiseme ka aga enne
ta põhimõtteliselt palus mul seda uurida ja siis anda teada mida ma arvan, et siis räägib ta enam. et kuidas ma suhtun sellisesse asjadesse. ja ma naeratasin sisemiselt. sest kujuta ette kokku said kaks meest kes pole töökohas rääkinud oma vaimsest poolest.
kaks saladust. Ja siis ma rääkisin et see on mulle tuttav valdkond, et mul on usuline taust, mainisin sõna Bahai ja siis seletasin lühidalt mitte väga detailidesse laskudes et tegemist on Iraanist tulnud algselt Islami taustaga usklike usund mis usub et kõik suuremad usundid on ühest allikast, natuke seletasin seda jätkuvat ilmutuse ja et usund on põhiolemuselt sama vaimse sisuga
erinevad vaid osad ühiskondlikud seadused ja õpetused ja et Usk on universaalne. ma arvan et alguseks on see hea, ta ei küsinud midagi aga mul on tunne et see ingli teema võimaldab seda veel edasi käsitleda :) sest kui ta ütleb et ta räägib veel siis seal on midagi enamat. Uskumatu aga Angeelika on oma nime ikka väga õigesti saanud :))))) Mõtle kui poleks olnud olnud Angeelikat või meil poleks ühiseid teemasid nagu kobraste poolt näritud puud Jaansoni raja ääres, siis poleks see uks niimoodi avanenud :)
Ja ma veel arvasin et kas ma tõesti lähen siit töölt ütlemata mis pool minus veel on. Uskumatu aga see mida ma arvasin et ei ole võimalik sai võimalikuks. ja mul on sellinne tunne nagu ma kõnniksin õhus peale seda. Ma ei ole küll täiuslik, aga paistab et kõik on veel võimalik :)

Dont get it

Why i have to fail in search of female love. Is it like a curse or what? I dont get to the people i really feel that i have something in common with and if i do find someone then its usually not what i reaally want? Huh? They say that there are more fish in the sea, but i dont wan't maybe fish, guys. I know that one who you love has right not to want to be with you, but what do i do? If i have come to understanding that girl is the one, move on like it doesnt really matter? Declare this another insignificant thing that simply wasn't meant to be? Be shallow and go after somebody new, to get over it?

Maybe Im meant to be partnerless, wifeless and just raise a daughter now? Should i toss alll my hopes and dreams to find somebody to my taste to deep bottomless well?
Or become arrogant selfish rich bastard? This romantism thing isnt working.....
Nice guys finish last... but i dont want to
Maybe im lucky at death, if im not lucky at love...
who knows who knows
maybe babey

Why it has to be so difficult?

Kerli - Walking On Air

Vanilla Ninja - Spirit Of The Dawn

I remember the times when I was a child
And the world was full of grace
The wind would whisper of miracles
And a secret magic place
But the sun went down and the first night fell
Like a shadow upon my life
And though all the colours slowly turned to grey

I never lost my faith
In the spirit of the dawn
In the twilight of your soul
There's a voice that guides me home
To the spirit of the dawn
For all the pain in my heart
All the bruises and scars
I'll become the one I was
In the spirit of the dawn

And here I'm wandering through a city of sin
With the creatures of the night
And we shared the suffering and the tears
In this neverending fight
And in a world of broken promises
With a sky that's cracked and thorned
We'll die just to be reborn

In the spirit of the dawn
In the twilight of your soul
There's a voice that guides me home
In the spirit of the dawn
For all the pain in my heart
All the bruises and scars
I'll become the one I was
In the spirit of the dawn

And I will never lose my faith
In the truth behind my prayers
I keep searching for the desert rain
Cause I know that it will wash away my pain

Sweet misery called asparatame

Yikes

Mama Africa

this is my poetic outcome on the issue of docs i saw on mass rape in congo and also on general theme what africans have gone through through eyes of mine, i know its mostly docs and movies like Hotel Rwanda, and also what ive read on Rwandan genocide, Darfur Genocide, Congos wars and mass rapes and killings. Ive lived in Africa, though in North, as small boy, but my heart goes out for people who suffer in war, ive grown up in tough enviroment such as SU and ive been in wartime Lebanon. i dont like war, ive heard it, and it still echoes in me, those sounds that i heard when i was boy..

PS(!  19.07.2012)
PS!This poem ending is Bahai motivated, because at the time Bahai was part of my life, in a way it still is, but not totally. And i am sure for many people it would be still beacon of hope in that kind of situations. so poem stays as it is :) No rewriting of my personal poem history. poem interpretation is also very individual I think, if you leave aside Bahai holy place picture, then ending is Christ referenced, Christians can take it one way and Bahais  other way, and maybe people with neither identities can focus on general HOPE( dum spiro spero- till i breathe i hope). Interestingly enough HOPE is also charity organization here :)

Homer Simpson, Catholic

Homer Simpson, Catholic

Little things coming true..unbelievable..hand of God?

Heyyyyyyyyyyy......
its me again. One tiny little incident made me speechless and happy at the same time. I intended to ask for some advance payment either this day or next week, because i need to pay for k-garten and live throughcount have next week, and numbers in my account go down and down as month drags it towards the end. So i was working working resting working resting working until afternoon i happened to go to the corridor and our firm's accountant passed me and sayd: I made transfer of money to you...I was like...Thanks( what..i havent asked for?) I didnt specially ask, and forgot to ask that day and nor before that and , i do have mini vacation next week, but since it was payed for already in summer, it cant be that. and They choose to transfer all pay money on day i wanted to ask only some for advance :) Whats going on? i was quite taken back for a while. Like are they reading my mind? Imagine if things and small things like having money, and what i havent specifically asked for, come true, then what else can also can come true? Dum spiro spero, Friends..:)))))))))))))))))))))))). While I breathe, I hope....You have no Idea, how literal that is. I came to this close to not breathing on evening of 8th because of own stupidity( never eat on the hurry) But thank God, i can breathe, and live and hope, see beloved people( kid, parents, family, friends, bahais) and do things etc. What more imortant this means new phase in rebirth! and that tiny episode today.... I feel that im converted for good! :) Now let us if we can get some bigger dreams and things to come true...:)

For Birthday of Bab

at Birthday of Bab- on prayer

Worship thou God in such wise that if thy worship lead thee to the fire, no alteration in
thine adoration would be produced, and so likewise if thy recompense should be
paradise. Thus and thus alone should be the worship which befitteth the one True
God. Shouldst thou worship Him because of fear, this would be unseemly in the
sanctified Court of His presence, and could not be regarded as an act by thee dedicated
to the Oneness of His Being. Or if thy gaze should be on paradise, and thou shouldst
worship Him while cherishing such a hope, thou wouldst make Godʹs creation a
partner with Him, notwithstanding the fact that paradise is desired by men.
(ʺSelections from the Writings of the Babʺ pp. 77‐78))

From Bahaiwritings...

To pray – a skill to de

We can read in the Writings that prayers are like conversations with God. Conversation is something one can work at and become better at. So the question is, can one become better at praying? Can one improve ones “conversation” with God? Is prayer a “skill” that one can become better at? I would like to think so. Here is a compilation on prayer from the Bahai Writings I put together that hopefully can be of use. The topics in this compilation are;
•Prayer as conversation
•Nearness to God
•Our mindset when praying
•Whom to pray to
•Effects of prayer
Here is the compilation. Compilation on Prayer

http://bahaiwritings.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/compilation-on-prayer1.pdf
http://bahaiwritings.wordpress.com/2010/10/19/prayer-a-skill-to-develop/

Back to Rivers of Belief or 15 years of Ilm

Hello dear brothers and sisters,
I know ya might be more concerned with your own lives, but i feel that i must share this with you.
The happy news is that it occured to me this Friday, that today is my 15th month of Ilm :)
That's Right, my first attended Feast ever was on October 16( or maybe day before or day later)
1995 :) 15 years of seeing different faces ie you around too. Ya might ask, how do i Know?

Well, prepare the time capsule and set the date on year 1995: I first met first bahai ever in Early months of 95, and his name
was Sol(SUN), dear Sol Morey. I was taking part of Red Cross Youth Group activites when met him in English club he conducted. I didnt know anything about his Bahai bacground, minus the fact that he had to be late to the Club to break fast in the month of Fasting. At that time I knew that so do folks i was familiar with, Muslims. I hadnt met any Bahai by my knowledge of course, up to that point.
Well, I did saw half of Interview with Kevin Wilson and his wife( who were pioneering in my lovely town before) by Mark Soosaar, but that doesnt count, since i dont remember bahai mentioned there and i learned of that later, that i saw the Kevin Wilson and the Family. Anyway, i got aquinted with lots of bahais in April 95. Though on 1st of April, in Aprils Fools Party at Morey's house they didnt come foward with that :) My First fireside was on some weeks later as I have copy of Esselmonts BaNE signed with date around that time. I really was attracted to hospitality and friendliness of Sol and Nayyan Morey so i kept visting them and events, well minus some time in summer due to graduation, trying to get into universities etc. And I felt that Faith makes sense to me and thats what ive always seen so, that there is one source for all major religions and Bahai is like that last missing puzzle piece that needs to be there to complete the picture and in this time religion.
I didnt declare until beginning of October or maybe end of September. All i know that it was around that time and it gotta be Friday( Firesides day then at Moreys) before october the 7th. Because according to one newsletter i have from the Teaching Comittee of Estonian Baha'is they mention among many happy joins( 9) there were 2 from Pärnu( one of them one certain young man ;) that they were happy to talk about. Guess when this timeframe starts? Ridvan time 1995, April. And what made my then to be future brothers and sisters happy was that there was prayer campaign then which aim was to turn many thirsty souls to the Baha'u'llah, says that newsletter in kirillitsa :) and at least some responded :) But you know, Friends, i didnt have a plan initially to become the one :)

I dont remember much from the day of conversion, other than it was Fireside and i acted as translator between Sol and Nayyan and man called Valdo( he became bahai too, though he has left this mortal realm some time ago). i vaguely remember there was something to do with question of how one becomes bahai or declaration cards. All i know that since it was that easy( no rituals, minus the signing of the card haha) and that i had taken in lots of dozes of love bombs :)(but better those, than those that rocked Estonian towns in wild 90ies) and since all that made sense to me, i become the one and that other man too. :) So i signed that being quite green to the Bahai, had that butterfly feeling, floating in air, that its great and nobody would object :) But like i would have done that anyway ;) ie ask other people on that moment. Who do you need to ask, if you know for sure that youre in any type of love! So i started on my journey and coming back to the Feast of Ilm, you know its so significant that exactly that month is start of my active bahai involvment. Knowldege has been my deepest passions. Was, is and will be forevermore. What is curious enough is i only know that it must have been month of Ilm, because before the LSA of Pärnu was elected, for short time Sol used to write reciepts for recieved donations at the Feasts and ive kept those i got in an Envelope, the first one is signed as for month of Ilm :)
If i remember correctly LSA of Pärnu was elected and formed bit later, April 1996

What followed can be described with some sentences from Welcoming letter of 24.oct.95 from Regional Spiritual Assembly of Bahais of Baltic States where our dear Foad( Heart) who served as Secretary wrote following words that are pretty timeless:
"Becoming a Baha'i is just the beginning of an eternal (Khaledoun :)))) journey towards spiritual perfection. With help of Holy Words of God, His grace, our prayers, our Institutions, our Community and our Baha'i friends, we gradually go foward and realise the ideals of Baha'u'llah in our lives. Looking at the situation in the world, outside the Baha'i Community, we realise this process will not be easy but higly rewarding" Looking back, its been quite a journey and i must say it hasnt been always easy one indeed. and there was a time when i wasnt striving towards that direction

But here i am, at this day, at this milestone, 15 years behind me, like a teenager who has reached symbolic age of maturity. last many years ive been either away or on crossroads. or walking in shallow waters of great ocean, right on the beach since last summer. Since last summer ive felt this drive for comeback, but ive had some issues to sort out. Today i have decided. I want no longer be person who just goes to garage and expects to become a car :))))))) It time to go to spiritual car factory again and fix the car. and whats the use of automobile, if it is mobile ie on road? Ive decided that i can try to find solutions and answers to my thelogical and philosophical questions while on the journey.

I have wanted for some time to ask you if i can do anything to contribute to Community work? I have several skills, hobbies and ideas that can be put in use. and even if i have kid now, im sure time can be found that i can do thing or two. or take the kid in some cases with me. if possible do involve me. I give you some suggestions: anything to do with cooking-baking, kidz, study circles, writing, translating, dealing with persons with disabilities, listening, issues that need paitience and peacemaking, poetry, history, religions, organizing and coordinating for start. Let me know, and i shall see what will work out.

And Id be grateful to get Anna's Presentaton in estonian and or English in any form possible. i would of curse need to Practice it first, since its been a while, maybe im still little rusty :P but i guess i can ask pärnu folks at the feast today. oh, and i m missing Ruhi 4 from my portfolio, if anybody anytime does that let me know, ill see first if in Pärnu, secon option would be Tallinn.
What else...youth stuff, maybe we could kick off something like in Talinn, devotional and cinema or somthing else, i do have some friends, ive told one about Parviz weekend and that its faith related. i have a feeling that i could introduce him little more, but ill ask him first. but movie night is an idea, maybe sometimes some youth( ex Nabil, Dan, A, Tiina etc) can come over and we can have spiritual and fun event. Pärnu is lovely town at any time of the year :) I can be your voluntary Ivan Sussanin the guide
,but one that doesnt lead you astray :). I also have great friend in Viljandi, he is quite familiar with bahais, he was in bahai and has been away, hanging around in one church, but he's friendly and talkative, and i think he wouldnt mind seeing some bahais again
, he knows some people in Cultural sector in Viljandi. And Viljandi is also great town to go! Does anybody know,in what state Narva is? I havent been there for ages...maybe we should pay them a visit some time, do something. I know Harjumaa is priority cluster, but let me know is there any room or how practical that would be to do something youthwise or otherwise elsewhere. would be great to get some more youth, next to young at heart and eternal youth..Also, i wondered is ther any room for events that could involve youths from baltics. doesnt have to be formal but something that builds ties and is co-opeational or study part and fun part, like we had in Riga 7 years ago in dec-january? ok...im now off to bed..
Hope you had great feast of Ilm or if you still havent have a great Feast of Ilm!
let me know where we can cooperate,pl, its been pleasure and honour to be around you last 15 years See you around for at least next 40- eternity years :) Inshallah, of course :D

Something i read recently....
Magnificat by Fernando Pessoa and music by John Sebastian Bach-enjoy!

PS! I know im not perfect still, but if you all mentally, spiritually or any way support me, then we can move the mountains.
PS! if any doubt, then rememeber that i was person who DID go back to Pärnu upon my word and after asking advice from NSA in year 2003 :) and i feel confident enough to not make these letters here hollow, otherwise ill be Fool on the Hill. :)
PS! those not in Estonia now, i hope you didnt find too left out at the end :) i just felt that i had to include you to share the story

Lenna Kuurmaa - Mida sa teed

Dum Spiro Spero and Lenna's signature!

I literally have new breathe in life, and i am soooo thankful that i came out on thar chocking insident in 8th of october, never ever cram the leftovers of rhyebread burger that has porkfillet in it and that after washing mouth with Plax water( after you wash your teeth)! I couldnt breathe well for some 20 minutes, and stated to vomit it out, and I was alone, and later the blood also came, but luckily and thank God, i started to breathe better even if my sore throat was still there next day. I was red in face like tomato. and there was not much missing than i wouldnt have seen my Lovely little Angel, my parents, my family, my friends, the bahais, ever with my mortal eyes anymore. And I wouldnt have seen Lenna in Concert and i couldnt have met her in close range and asked her autogramm and thanked her for her Music and i couldnt have been walk away being happy and like in lovestruck emotion that wow that I did it and Met her...unbelivable. and i couldnt before that met Basil, who among other things mention this latin sentence: Dum Spiro Spero :) While i breathe i hope :) My new moto..:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I will start to do things that i havent done for a while. Reconnect :) Living the Life :) Focus on important stuff. Be more than NORMAL :) Love, keep and cultivate friendships, laugh, study, read, feel, eat, breathe, pray. But not in naive way positive, but more mature i hope :) Inshallah. we shall what see will work out and what not :) and here comes Lenna's Signature

Orelipoiss "See alles jääb"

Vennaskond - Uuesti sünd

david sylvian-fire in the forest

david sylvian -i surrender

Rape as a weapon of war in DR Congo

and another one---jeesh
when will this will all stop?

Congo soldiers explain why they rape

Unbelivably moronic...yikes
I think i will surely be feminist if i was to reborn in this world as woman...
SAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Congo: Rape as tool of war (Part 2)

Congo: Rape as a tool of war (Part 1)

Queen-The Show Must Go On 2x

captures from Queen video Show must go on( with a stills of the video containg other known song of the band) on youtube and in my music libary echoing......
You know life is ironic, i havent gotten almost anywhere in this 4 letter thing called L###
not when i havent done anything about it, not when i have done little and... not when i try or maybe have overdone....and not Even this song is helping much to get things clearer...i guess there is thing called bad luck :D :P ;) so ironic...
PS! Stills happened to stop at those places, i did not specifically choose the spots.otherwise you would have seen flowing video :) But even those stops can describe me and my story in many ways. and i f you wonder why Freddie, its my artistic alter ego :) lots of metaphores there :) Enjoy the show :P, though my heart is true, dont forget that :)

im suggested to forget her, to live with much easier heart- iwonder if that is possible, should i declare my feelings nothing, to move on? or how ishould go about it, is really question? i ndont i will see, perhaps the time will show...


oh and i found one skin bump 2cm wide on my left leg 10 cm away from knee... i wonder i that cancer cell...

Ei saa mitte vaiki olla

Oli see reede õhtu ja seal ma istusin, Kanuti Gildi hämaras saalis yht tantsuetendust vaatates. Laval koreograafia osakonna tantsuteater Tee Kuubis, muusikuteks jazzmuusikud Jaak Sooäär, Raul Vaigla ja Tanel Ruben. Ja siis korraga hakkab sellel samal laval kus ma nägin sind enne helisema yks meloodia, yks tuttav meloodia, mis on mulle hinge kylge kasvanud. Ei saa mitte vaiki olla...mis iganes tulevik toob, tea et ma mõtlen sinu peale iga päev. Ma muidugi ei tea kas sa seda kuulma juhtud aga kui juhtud, siis te las see lugu heliseda sulle.
Siiri Sisakil on ka yks super versioon sellest loost :)

culture trips

If you have to story of your life, what it would tell about you? Second weekend of culture, last sat was Ugala&Rinne, today Kanuti Gild&TU dances, reading Oksanen's Purge and Pessoa's Poems and Xenophobes guide to Estonians :D. All but Pessoa has common facet: Lives in SU and culture ans society :) Painful, funny, absurd, human yet still there after 91. In Tallinn seeing Kiddo and Baba :) Saw Nab and Miss T also :)3

Today Tallinn TU T

Im in my Dad's flat, Kiddo and him sleep peacefully. I havent gone yet.
Im thinking about my life, the family, about you. I cant help i simply like you, even if its maybe or surely not meant to be. it was great to see you, even if there wasnt much of conversation. I hope that you at least liked the flowers, and didnt think oh what that guy is doing again. but then again i dont blame you if you dont like and did thought so. thing that bugs me is that im not sure of what exactly happened and didnt happen in spring. if only i could know for sure....

Pessoa

TO FEEL everything in every way,
To hold all opinions,
To be sincere contradicting oneself every minute,
To annoy oneself with absolute open-mindedness,
And to love things just like God.
http://poemsoffernandopessoa.blogspot.com/